Rambo: The Force Of Freedom, “When SAVAGE Stole Santa” (1986)

Remember yesterday when Keevin wrote about the morality play focusing on the dichotomy of order and fear in FIRST BLOOD? The protagonist of that film, John Rambo, being a mistreated veteran who was turned into an unstoppable killing machine in the name of a senseless war, only to find everyone and everything turning their backs on him when he returned from duty? Remember? Well in 1986, that character was adapted into a Saturday morning cartoon show called Rambo: The Force Of Freedom (or sometimes known simply as Rambo). So…that happened.

To be fair—and we are nothing but fair here at Neon Splatter—there are two main factors that led to this cartoon.

The first is that it follows RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD II, the film where the titular character goes from wounded warrior to brutal juggernaut that returns to Vietnam in order to blow up his nemesis with an explosive arrow. (But before 1988’s RAMBO III where he travels to Afghanistan to help the resistance and later inspire Gizmo in GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH). By 1986, the character was already pretty removed from that traumatized veteran and now into more of a superhuman god of war.

If looking for a parallel in modern franchises, it’s pretty close to the FAST AND FURIOUS movies where it started off relatively grounded (as a POINT BREAK ripoff) before turning its characters into impossible metahumans capable of incredible feats that defy belief and physics. Reagan often embraced comparisons to Rambo without recognizing the character’s roots as an example of failed policy and deeply flawed justice system (just like his use of “Born In The USA”—the man didn’t understand irony).

The second factor is the mid-80s to early-90s in which practically everything was made into a cartoon aimed at children, no matter how ill-advised.

THE TOXIC AVENGER became Toxic Crusaders; Rubik’s Cube went from puzzle block to puzzle block with a little gremlin face that grants wishes or some shit; ALF was reenacting classic stories but on Melmac and terrible; THE KARATE KID’s first venture in television wasn’t the delightful Cobra Kai but a hokey bit Saturday morning cartoon involving traveling the world and some mystic artifacts.

My god, always with the mystic artifacts.

It was a heady time. So why not throw John Rambo, shellshocked symbol of a country unable to confront its past crimes and failures, onto a few poorly animated cells and try to make some money?

The ‘80s in one glorious image.

Like basically every TV show and especially every cartoon in that time period, there was a holiday episode. This one finds Rambo trying to save his friend Chris from the evil clutches of S.A.V.A.G.E.. And yes, his name is Chris and he lives amongst the snow and makes toys for kids and dresses up in a red and white…but he’s not Santa! So already the title is a lie. No, Chris is a reformed arms manufacturer and weapons designer who Rambo saved and brought to Colorado where every Christmas they deliver toys to the local orphans.

Another running theme in a lot of the cartoons from that era was orphans. Especially in the holiday entries, where the parentless urchins find some hope and Christmas spirit thanks to the star of the cartoon…though rarely adopted by the end and definitely never seen again. It’s possible this is done to make kids better appreciate the parents they have? Or maybe it’s an excuse for the kids in the show to not believe in Santa…until they do.

Although, in this case, it’s important to reiterate that Chris is not Santa. So. That’s odd.

“Do you know what a prison tat is, Brian? You’re about to find out.”

To steal an old joke from Jon Stewart’s stand-up days, every Christmas Special is the same: “Christmas is canceled…but wait!” That’s the same principle on display in “When S.A.V.A.G.E. Stole Santa”. Rambo pairs up with li’l orphan Brian (who has a serious attitude problem we will get to) in order to save Chris from evil General Warhawk who wants to enlist the fat man with a bowl full of jelly (who is definitively not Santa) into making weapons for S.A.V.A.G.E. Action ensues.

Check out this short video for some highlights of the 22-minute episode:

Wasn’t that something, kids? If you didn’t get to watch it or simply want to relive the glorious 4.5 minutes, the best parts are easily:

1) The weird cigarette-esque pack of candy canes the orphan girl has. She grabs one for herself, like it really takes the edge off, then offers one to bad news Brian. They are clearly packed in that box exactly like cigarettes, and so the unadoptable Brian punts them all across the room. Yeet!

Brian, you’re a dick.

2) The fact that the voice actor for Chris does not have a handle on the accent at all. Within each sequence or scene, it’s one type, but he can’t maintain the same voice the entire episode. It starts off very Hogan’s Heroes teutonic with his talk of making bombs and missiles and planes for a country that was too happy to use them. I’m guessing Chris is meant to be East German in this, but East Germany never fired off nukes or really struck folks with the type of ordinance that Chris is describing. So what if, just what if, the country that Chris is talking about is the United States?

Mind. Blown.

Anyways, back to the shitty acting. So it starts off all Colonel Klink before slowly morphing into what can only be described as a Norwegian Werner Herzog.

With that strained gentle voice, but enough bounce found in the Scandinavian tongues to give him a bit more animation (pun clearly intended) than the famed artist. But once you realize that’s what Chris sounds like, you can’t help but picture the director of FITZCARRALDO dressed like Santa and tied to a chair, hoping that the musclebound idiot you call a friend saves you from the Snidely Whiplash trap of the buzzsaw.

3) Obviously the snowmobile antics and the fact Rambo gleams the cube on a hubcap in the snow. In fact, it seems like the entire Colorado setting defies all known logic and geology as every part of the area is somehow downhill at all times.

4 ). And obviously it’s the fact that when Rambo gets mad, well that just makes his shirt come right off! And then he flexes, adjusts his shoelaces and reaffirms he does, in fact, have a knife, then puts on his headband. What if it was a BuddyBand™from Saved By The Bell? That’s cross-promotion, baby!

But it’s basically the loading up montage in COMMANDO, except suddenly without a shirt. It’s ridiculous and simply impractical in the sub-zero temperatures of geographically insane Colorado. On the other hand, Rambo’s been around the block. Maybe he knows the trick to using a truck’s hubcap as a super fast snowboard is to lead with your nipples. Someone please get whatever is the equivalent of the Mythbusters these days to look into this.

I also assume this a sequence in every episode of Rambo: The Force Of Freedom. Like when Planeteers form Captain Planet, or the Power Rangers form the MegaZord, or when a certain truck driver turns his hat around so he can be super extra good at arm-wrestling. I like to think the writers were really challenged to find the proper place in the script where this should happen. Like they’re breaking the story and someone’s like “He can’t be shirtless on page 14! Sell the sizzle, not the steak, Godfrey. Amateur hour around here…”

The actor voicing Rambo, Neil Ross (also did Shipwreck for G.I. Joe and Bonecrusher for Transformers, amongst many other parts), is forced to make all these weird grunts and guttural noises as Rambo jumps and lands weird and gears up to punch or kick S.A.V.A.G.E. henchmen Havoc and Gripper. Speaking of voice acting, I thought Havoc was played by Sven-Ole Thorsen, but it turned out to be Peter Cullen…a.k.a. Optimus Prime himself.

If anyone sees Mr. Cullen, please ask him about this series and especially this episode. I will be your best friend.

Speaking of weird pedigrees, the music is by Jerry Goldsmith. The dude has 256 credits as a composer and a bunch more in other musical capacities. He did the music for the Rambo films, so presumably it’s all just recycled bits from his other scores. But it would be nice to imagine this pillar of film composition having to figure out the right tempo needed for the recurring shirtless sequence.

Goldsmith also contributed scores for many Star Trek movies, PSYCHO II, AIR FORCE ONE, POLTERGEIST, THE SECRET OF NIMH, and TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE.

Ahem. Next slide please.

“When S.A.V.A.G.E. Stole Santa” may be a lie of a title but it is a hoot of an experience. It also has basically the exact same siege sequence as “The Night The Reindeer Died” portion from SCROOGED. This was two years earlier, and I hope there is some sort of connection.

Although, it may be better if there isn’t. Because the makers of SCROOGED thought that such a concept was a ridiculous parody of television content and commercialism…but it had almost literally been done only a couple of years prior. That’s Rambo: The Force Of Freedom for you: too weird to live, and too rare to die, existing far beyond where mockery can even touch it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a shirt to take off and many accessories to carefully position.