I Want To Play A Game (Part 4)
Here’s part four of my list of SAW traps—ranked from most boring and phoned in to most horrifying and coolest, and whether or not I could beat them. Read Part One here, Part Two here, and Part Three here.
30 The Oxygen Crusher
SAW VI (2009)
HOW IT WORKS: Two people are chained into place with large metal clamps on either side of their rib cages and a breathing mask on their faces. The masks are hooked up to a machine that measures breathing activity and every time they take a breath the clamps close in on them. The goal is to hold your breath longer than the other person who will be crushed to death.
COULD I BEAT IT?: No. I’ve been smoking a pack a day since the year 2001. I can’t hold my breath longer than ten seconds. It’d be beatable for a non-smoker though, I’m sure.
29 The Knife Chair
SAW IV (2007)
HOW IT WORKS: A man strapped to a chair has to use his face to press a pressure plate in front of him to get free from his shackles. In order to reach the pressure plate, he has to pass his face over eight knives that’ll cut into him.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. I think I could cut my face a little to live. I've got a pretty high pain tolerance. The fact that Cecil keeps starting and stopping seems like a poor choice, if you need to stop just stay still, don't move backward and then have to cut yourself all over again.
28 The Impalement Wheel
SAW 3D (2010)
HOW IT WORKS: A woman is strapped to a board on a wheel that will roll her forward onto three metal rods that will pierce both eyes and her mouth, though the third one feels unnecessary. In order to free the woman, Bobby (who I haven’t mentioned yet sucks) has to step into a machine across from her where he must lift two metal bars to close a circuit for 30 seconds straight. The bars are attached to a heavy weight and when lifted allow four metal spikes to pierce his sides.
COULD I BEAT IT?: No. I’m pretty small and this grown-ass man seemed to have trouble lifting the weights even before he was getting stabbed.
27 The Steam Maze
SAW VI (2009)
HOW IT WORKS: The person on the lower level of this trap is fitted with a device on their chest that after 90 seconds will shoot a metal spike up through their head. The person on the upper level is to lead them through a pretty simple maze and help them to get through a few passageways. The passages have hot steam blowing into them and it’s up to the person on the upper level to pull a level to allow the person below to pass. Pulling the lever diverts the steam to blow out against the arms of the person on the upper level. Once done with the maze, the victim is told that the person from the upper level has the key to their trap hidden inside their body and will need to cut it out of them.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. They’re both getting burnt but not killed, this is doable. On top of that, I’d have zero qualms with cutting that dude open, though I do have to wonder if she could simply tilt her head backward to avoid the metal rod going through her head when the time’s up.
26 The Public Execution Trap
SAW 3D (2010)
HOW IT WORKS: Three people, three saw blades, one hell of a way to start a movie. Enclosed in the front window display of a store, two men are strapped to a table with movable saw blades that they can push toward one another in an attempt to kill the other person. Above them is their girlfriend. This is not a triad—she’s just cheating on both of them. In the middle of the men is a third saw blade that she’ll be lowered onto if one of them doesn’t kill the other in the allotted minute.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. I’m going with yes because I’m not a cheater and therefore would be in the position of one of the guys and would also work to get that middle blade centered.
25 The Glass Grinder
SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK OF SAW (2021)
HOW IT WORKS: A man is hanging from the ceiling by his wrists with his back facing a machine that grinds glass bottles into small shards and sends them shooting out at him. The only way to escape is for someone else (Ezekiel) to find the key and release him between bouts of glass rain.
COULD I BEAT IT?: No. I’d want to, but the clue to the key’s location is so subtle and I am so stupid.
24 The Water Cube
SAW V (2008)
HOW IT WORKS: A glass cube is placed on Agent Strahm’s head that fills with water to drown him.
COULD I BEAT IT?: No. I don't carry a pen. I carry a pocket knife, so I could make the necessary hole in my throat, but the only other things I carry are cigarettes, a lighter, and my phone, none of which could act as a breathing tube. Everything else I carry around is in my purse and considering Luke Danes doesn't have one of those, including the things I have in there feels like cheating.
23 The Finger Trap
SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK OF SAW (2021)
HOW IT WORKS: A man is in a chair with a weird little helmet on. He has to bite two bars in front of him toward one another to begin a machine that pulls his hands forward toward a bar on the table in front of him that will eventually pull his fingers off. If he doesn’t accomplish this in 90 seconds, he’ll be electrocuted.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes? I feel like this might just yank my hand off at the wrist rather than taking the fingers, but I’d rather have robot hands than die. Still, I tossed that question mark in there because the trap doesn’t seem to give him enough time to do it. I’d be willing, but I’m not sure I’d be able to in the allotted time.
22 The Pendulum Trap
SAW V (2008)
HOW IT WORKS: A man is strapped to a table with a descending pendulous blade above him. To stop the blade from cutting him in half, he has to insert his hands into vises on either side of him, crushing his hands.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. I'd rather mash my mitts than be cut in half. Unless it's at a magic show, which is something I've spent my entire life begging for. Please magically saw me in half.
21 The Brazen Bull
SAW 3D (2010)
HOW IT WORKS: After claiming this was what happened to him before and profiting from it, you think Bobby would’ve contemplated the trap and how to beat it much more often than he clearly did. With his wife chained around the neck to a platform that will drag her down and then close around her and slowly roast her alive, he’s tasked with using two hooks and a pulley system to lift himself to the ceiling where he has to connect two wires to deactivate the trap.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. There’s no reason you can’t stand with your feet in the dips of the hooks and pull yourself up because I’m very much not jamming meat hooks into my titties. Does this man hate his wife? I feel like he barely tries.
20 Grain Silo Trap
JIGSAW (2017)
HOW IT WORKS: The two other remaining victims leave the third in the Leg Wires to go check out a silo when the door opens. When the door slams shut trapping them inside, grain starts falling from above, burying them up to their armpits, unable to move. Once the grain stops falling, bladed weapons begin falling toward them (circular saw blades, knives, pitchforks, etc.). The key to escaping is the same as the Leg Wires. They’re told the man trapped in them must “free himself to free others” and finally pull the lever.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. As an extension of the Leg Wire trap, I’d very much be willing to pull the lever. Like, yeah, you know you’re gonna lose that leg at this point, but what else are you gonna do, just stay there forever? You kinda have to do it.
19 The Silence Circle
SAW 3D (2010)
HOW IT WORKS: Four large needles - like insanely big - are aimed at a woman in a circular pattern and will close in on her anytime there’s a noise above a whisper. The key to get her out of it is in her stomach attached to a wire that’s in her mouth. At the bottom of the wire is a fishhook that will cut her up a fair bit on the way back up. They have 60 seconds to remove the key and use it to free her before the needles close in on their own.
COULD I BEAT IT?: Maybe. When in pain, I tend to go eerily quiet and just dig my fingernails into my thighs or palms or whatever. If whoever was doing it to me just yanked it out as quickly as possible, I’d probably scream before they managed to unlock me. Let’s go with no.
18 The Pain Train
SAW 3D (2010)
HOW IT WORKS: A fun little dream trap, the Pain Train is a device on wheels and a track. It looks a little like a small car with a giant broadhead arrow on the front of it and when a level is pulled it starts moving along the track quickly gaining speed until stabbing into and ripping apart the victim.
COULD I BEAT IT?: No. It’s a dream sequence and rigged to be unwinnable.
