Godzilla Vs. Barkley (1993)

So. This exists.

There’s a long tradition of Godzilla appearing in comics. He was even in Marvel Comics for a bit (he actually gets shrunk and fights a rat. It’s fun.). With decades of stories on the printed page, there have been some bizarre tales featuring the King Of The Monsters. But arguably, none so strange as the day Godzilla took on professional basketball player Charles Barkley. The 1993 one-shot from Dark Horse Comics was actually based on something else…this 1992 commercial for Nike.

The main thrust in this campaign, beyond hucking shoes and funding child labor, is based on Barkley’s reputation as a very aggressive player who would antagonize his opponents on the court with his mouth and his elbows (and whatever other body parts he can use to rough up folks). Hence the ironic nickname “Sir Charles”. Look people, it’s the NBA—they’re really not good with monikers. Anyways, the commercial was fun and a bit of a hit, leading to merchandising and other such things. Cut toDecember 1, 1993 when the comic book drops onto the stands from vaunted indie publisher Dark Horse Comics.

The script was from literal legend writer Mike Baron. Baron created numerous characters and titles, most notably Nexus and Badger. He’s worked on The Punisher, Batman, Star Wars, and on and on. Dude is legit.

But here’s where things start to get worrisome. Sure, Baron turned in a pretty funny by being awkward and random script. But what was the basis? He couldn’t have simply elaborated on the non-story of the commercial, could he? Evidently not, because someone else is credited with writing the plot: Alan Smithee. Yes, the go-to nom de plume of directors overseeing terrible films everywhere. The person that came up with the plot of Godzilla Vs. Barkley didn’t want his name on it. Think about how obscure that would’ve been to find and connect to someone, and yet even with that slim possibility this master storyteller said “hard pass”.

The artist is Jeff Butler, best known for his work illustrating Dungeons & Dragons materials (and other RPGs).

So what is this all about? I mean, it can’t just be the ultimate Kaiju facing off against the fifth best member of the Dream Team, can it? And how would they overcome the height difference? First, let’s look at the solicitation for the book:

The world's mightiest monster battles earth's greatest athlete in the most outrageous, board-slamming, super-dunking game of hoops in the history of History itself! A clash so huge, only writer Mike Baron and artists Jeff Butler and Keith Aiken can fit it on a page. Bigger than Bigfoot, space aliens, and Elvis combined! Until your last breath, you will remember what you were doing on the fateful day Godzilla met Charles Barkley.

That’s a pretty big promise. Also the lack of Alan Smithee is quite noticeable! The tale begins as so many Godzilla stories do: at sea with Japanese boat off the coast of California. The crew is having troubles with communication and the suddenly rocky waves. One deckhand suggests it’s Godzilla only to be shushed by the captain saying it’s bad luck to even mention the name. Well, like Candyman in a blonde white lady’s house, Godzilla rises out of the depths of the ocean and snaps the boat in twain. With a mighty roar he heads towards land.

The next day life continues as usual: Matt, a young boy, and his Grampa are heading down what looks like the pier at Venice Beach to catch a glimpse of Matt’s idol—Charles Barkley. Apparently the stud of the Suns is shooting a commercial. But Matt is Sir Charles’ biggest fan. Surely, he can get through to see the famous athlete? No dice as security turns him down and away after pointing out droves of other people claiming to be Barkley’s number one fan.

Quick sidenote: they never say what commercial Barkley is shooting, only that a camera crane is involved. For the product of corporate synergy, it’s weird that it shies away from mentioning Nike. Wait…is Nike Alan Smithee?!?

But Matt’s not going away empty handed. Because his old freak of a grandfather’s got something for him.

It’s a magic silver dollar. Charles Barkley later identifies it as an “1889 Morgan silver dollar in fine condition.” Which leads to two observations:

1) Having Barkley be an aficionado of old currency is a nice gonzo touch that Baron threw in for literally no reason. It’s very Batman ‘66 and shows some of the “fuck it” delight that was brought to parts of Godzilla Vs. Barkley.

2) Did he really have to grade it as “fine”? This kid is a huge fan and showing you what he believes is a magic totem and Barkley takes the time to denigrate the coin and the care of the coin by the boy’s grandfather. Rude.

Anyways, the magic silver dollar can do…stuff. It’s literally not specified except it helped Gramps pitch a no-hitter and later embiggens Charles Barkley (spoiler alert).

They come upon a grisly scene that Grandpa somehow mistakes for another commercial. It’s the lone survivor from the Japanese freighter, looking, as Gramps notes, “like a drowning victim”. Classic commercial fodder. The ready-for-camera waterlogged sailor warns of Godzilla’s approach. No one knows who he’s talking about, except Matt, of course (he’s like those horrible super-knowledgeable kids in the early Gamera movies). Still odd no one is familiar with the radioactive Kaiju that, if absolutely nothing else, busted up Japan a few decades prior. Once again, like Beetlejuice but with better skin, after someone utters his name, Godzilla springs out of the ocean. Everyone flees in panic, but Matt knows who can handle this…the power forward for an Arizona-based expansion basketball team!

Matt does some sweet skateboard moves (it was the early ‘90s and all child characters had to be proficient at skateboarding) and is able to get to his hero.

He pleads for Barkley to help by taking on Godzilla. What that means? No fucking clue. I mean—we know where this is headed, but Matt isn’t like “if you get giant and challenge him to a basketball game, Earth will be saved!” He’s just like “you’re the greatest warrior” to which Barkley whole-heartedly agrees.

That seems like a missed opportunity to make a joke about Golden State, but then again I never wrote The Punisher so what do I know? Barkley fires all of his staff—who insist on making their meeting at the “optimist club” (no clue) despite a very obvious giant monster currently stomping its way passed Gold’s Gym. Barkley then drives off with Matt (bye, Gramps…I guess) who convinces the professional athlete to a one-on-one game. If Matt wins, Barkley has to stop Godzilla. If Barkley wins, he gets the silver dollar which he already found incredibly underwhelming. Nice of Baron to work in Barkley’s crippling gambling addiction though. Before they even start, Barkley picks up the magic silver dollar and becomes gigantic.

Now he’s ready to take on Godzilla…in basketball. It’s kind of weird that the “Round Mound of Rebound” whose whole reputation is being a tough guy chooses a gentlemanly way to settle this disagreement with the rampaging Kaiju. I mean, the dude threw a guy through a bar window. Maybe some fisticuffs are in order? But alack alas, the weapon of choice is a basketball.

Another quick sidenote: Barkley uses that “suitcase skin” jab a few times. It feels like he’s a bad improviser who has to keep going back to the same well and hoping it gets the same laugh every time. It does not.

Godzilla tries to hit Barkley with his atomic breath, but the guy ducks out of the way, so I guess they settle on basketball. The former 76er lures the King Of The Monsters to an abandoned air force base in the valley where, after a brief adjustment to a rocket launch site, they begin to play. And thus starts the main attraction of Godzilla Vs. Barkley. The part where Godzilla squares off against Barkley. In basketball. It starts off with this amazing splash page:

Barkley’s flagrant foul to the face aside, it’s a fun little moment. Also a crowd has gathered (not sure how this was all organized so quickly, but I’m sure Charles appreciates the moral support). Oh that’s fun, there’s a couple of celebrity caricatures in there. There’s Jack Nicholson. And who’s that to the right of Grampa? It looks like…GAH! I guess there’s a couple of monsters out in the desert that day.

Even though he gets top billing, Godzilla doesn’t really do much. He wrecks the boat, freaks out beachgoers, trashes the financial district (off panel), and kind of just gets treated like a chump.

Clearly the Kaiju is as frustrated with all this as I am because he uses his atomic breath to melt the ball. An act to which Charles Barkley takes major offense! He gets in Godzilla’s face like an umpire and a coach going at it (I know it’s a different sport) and the terrifying thunder lizard is chastened by Barkley’s reprobation.

Still, Barkley sees a lot of potential in this towering metaphor for the horrors of the atomic age. With a bit of practice, the right shoes (kawink!), soon he’ll be ready for prime time!

Yes, you read that right: Godzilla got busy. Godzilla Vs. Barkley totally skips over the “hey, how did Charles get back to normal size?” And the fact that he’s only now visiting Matt way after the fact suggests that the basketball behemoth just walked away, magic silver dollar and all, while the pubescent fanboy slowly realized his idol just didn’t care about him. But wait! Barkley returns and finds Matt on the court! Sir Charles challenges Matt to a game…for a dollar.

(Cue laugh track. Freeze Frame. Credits.)

Godzilla Vs. Barkley is a weird mash-up of crass consumerism, pop art, and comic book folk finding ways to entertain themselves with such a ludicrous premise. You can find copies all over eBay and other places. It’s a fun thing to pick up and read. But never forget…