5 Films That Should’ve Been Turned Into Cartoons
Everything is cyclical. In many ways, the culture of the ‘80s was a throwback to the ‘50s (rise of conservativism, nationalism, etc.), and we’ve been stuck in throwbacks to the ‘80s since about the 2010s (slowly moving into the ‘90s now). But people don’t recognize how similar today’s entertainment culture is like those heady days of the 1980s. Folks bemoan the amount of films and series being based on existing intellectual properties (IPs), but this was already happening in the mercenary times of mid-1980s into the early-1990s. If you’re looking for proof, then may I point you towards Saturday morning and syndicated cartoons.
So many properties were adapted into animated shows. Some made sense—sure Dragon’s Lair, BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, and Mr. T are already kid-friendly and can be altered enough to wacky weekly adventures. But other titles felt like forcing square pegs into round holes with anthropomorphic Rubik’s Cube, a mystical globe-trotting take on THE KARATE KID, or bringing back Arthur Fonzarelli and his 1950s teen friends as they travel through space with assorted aliens. (A concept that is so awkward that it requires a constant barrage of exposition in its opening theme)
Even more bizarre than these weirdass attempts at resurrecting properties in cartoon form were the shows that took essentially mature films and turned them into kid-friendly titles in an effort to sell merchandise. The ultraviolent parody of ROBOCOP didn’t exactly translate the same when it became an animated show for children (twice no less!). BEETLEJUICE seems like a kind of goofy fit for the indoor kid crowd, and was a fairly entertaining show, but it also eschews the ending of the film where the ghost with the most forces a teenage girl to marry him, instead opting for those two to…be partners in crime? The cartoon version of RAMBO has already been covered in these pages, but that’s just wrong. It’s wrong!
Toxic Crusaders was a bonkers eco-friendly attempt at edutainment, but its origins are exceptionally odd as the flagship title for a production company whose name stands for Tits ‘R’ Our Main Attraction (TROMA). Conan The Adventurer was closer to the Schwarzenegger films than the Robert E. Howard tales. Little Shop was a weird junior version of the blood-drenched LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. The animated Highlander series is actually pretty solid, but also had to find ways to dance around the central aspect that the story hinges on decapitations. And there’s many more.
But in that avalanche of IPs turned kiddie cartoons, there were some titles that could’ve easily fit right in to that funhouse mirror landscape. In no particular order, here are five movies that should have been adopted for children’s animated programming.
1. PUPPET MASTER
I’m willing to bet there were conversations at Full Moon Entertainment about turning the long running PUPPET MASTER series into a cartoon and that it came very close to a reality. And sure, there’s the ties to Nazis (originally anti until writer of dubious intent, S. Craig Zahler, got his hands on the little fellas with PUPPET MASTER: THE LITTLEST REICH) but that was pretty common in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Remember in THE MONSTER SQUAD when Scary German Guy turned out to be a Holocaust survivor? The generation that lived through WW2 were still around and in prominent positions, and not keen to “both sides” the subject of the Third Reich. Thus those dark origins wouldn’t really be a factor.
And sure, these diminutive devils are a murderous lot, but that can be waved away by simply not having their antagonists actually die despite getting a face full of flame from Torch or a barrage of leeches from…Leech Woman (really phoned that one in, guys). But these tiny terrors would be the heroes, traveling around with Toulon and his tubular teenage nephew, getting into scrapes and staying one step ahead of some sinister force. It would be like The Littles if one of The Littles had a drill for a head.
2. FIRESTARTER
Sure, parents’ groups haven’t been that keen when it comes to mixing pyromania and children’s animated programming. But that’ll be downplayed as the titular firestarter herself, Charlie McGee, would be reticent to using her powers and it would be fairly disconnected (as in, no lighting matches but sudden fireballs launching at folks).
The cartoon would have Charlie on the run from The Shop (the evil government organization trying to build a secret army of superhumans). And yes, there’s a lot of “on the run” in these pitches—but to be fair, traveling was a central plot point in most of the cartoons of the ‘80s and ‘90s. Going to different towns and meeting new people/problems.
Charlie and her parents (yeah, it would be rewritten so they didn’t die, this is for kids after all) would constantly evade John Rainbird as he seeks out this psionic trio. Because, like most cartoon adaptations (and many on this list), the animated version basically ignores the final quarter of a movie to reset the situation and allow for major enemies or other requisite plot points. I guess Irv Manders could be Charlie’s traveling companion instead of her mom and dad—but only so someone could provide a hilariously outdated and outsized Art Carney impression.
3. ROAD HOUSE
Instead of the crew of Double Deuce going from bar-to-bar and solving their problems, instead bands and other troublemakers are brought in by Brad Wesley to cause issues for Dalton, Doc, and Wade plus a group of diverse and quirky coolers (a la Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos). Every episode ends with Dalton delivering a piece of advice for the young audience (basically “be nice”).
4. BRAINSCAN
There are two directions to take an animated adaptation of the 1994 cyber-horror film. The first is the Beetlejuice method, which is to defang the fairly creepy antagonist to turn into a merry ne’er-do-well. His name’s Trickster for crying out loud! It’s right there! Again ignoring the majority of BRAINSCAN, this would find Trickster, Michael, Kimberly, and Kyle getting into all sorts of shenanigans that only the video game imp can help (or complicate). The main antagonists would be the judgmental principal, Dr. Fromberg, and Detective Hayden, who suspects that Trickster exists but always just misses out in proving he’s right.
The other path forward for BRAINSCAN’s cartoon is to have the teens get sucked into the digital hellscape where Trickster is constantly setting new obstacles and troubles for the kids. The high schoolers would be trying to figure out a way to get home while fending off the various monsters that Trickster sets upon them. Basically this would be akin to Captain N: The Game Master, Dungeons And Dragons, or Kidd Video approach and allow for much more merchandising—which is always the goal!
5. HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY
This one seems like a no-brainer. A group of random misfits from different dimensions and times, involve a puppy/caterpillar hybrid (called Cater-puppy), an Aztec warrior lady, a prehistoric bird, an undead gunslinger, and a wacky best friend. Plus you can have the occasional appearance by electrician and part-time adventurer Bill Towner to introduce some new escapade.
With each room being either a portal to a different world, dimension, time period, or whatever the writers can imagine, plus the motley crew all playing off each other, it makes for the easiest layup to create a bunch of episodes. You could have a recurring villain in Slim Reeser, chasing the gang across the various rooms or trying to steal the crystal skull with all sorts of shenanigans. Or it could just be a story of the week where new places are explored or creatures from the rooms interrupt an important dinner party or other wacky shenanigans.