I Want To Play A Game (Part 1)

Almost two years ago, I was hospitalized and nearly died. Actually facing my own mortality really made me realize I want so desperately to live. I want to see who my daughter becomes in the future, I want to see what weird ass movies Mark Polonia cranks out next, I want to see my brother finally settle down with a nice girl, I want to see what new places the AMITYVILLE franchise goes. I have so many things to do and see and I would fight tooth and nail to make sure I get that opportunity.

This newfound need to survive really reinforced my idiotic idea that I could make it as the final girl in most films. I’d be willing to jump out of a third story window and break my legs if I had to, it’s better than dying. I’d trip someone I was running through the woods with if we were being chased by some guy trying to facefuck us with a machete. I know more than enough horror trivia to outsmart whichever moron is dressed like Ghostface this time.

With a new SAW set to release this week, I went back to rewatch my dumb little comfort torture movies and got to thinking “could I survive that?” and about how cool some of the traps were while others, well, not so much. Here’s my list of SAW traps, ranked from most boring and phoned in to most horrifying and coolest, and whether or not I could beat them.

70 Edgar Munsen’s Test

JIGSAW (2017)

HOW IT WORKS: The “victim” pushes a button to start the games in the barn.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. Bro literally just had to push a button, what’s with all the drama?

69 The Cyanide Box

SAW 3D (2010)

HOW IT WORKS: This one’s literally just cyanide pills falling into liquid and creating a chemical reaction that releases a poisonous gas and kills everyone in the room.

COULD I BEAT IT?: N/A/ It’s a booby trap, not a game trap.

68 The Sentry Gun Trap

SAW 3D (2010)

HOW IT WORKS: A mounted machine gun starts going off when a sensor is tripped detecting intruders.

COULD I BEAT IT?: N/A. Another booby trap.

67 Jeff’s Final Test

SAW III (2006)

HOW IT WORKS: Either forgive John Kramer and save his family or kill John in revenge.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. I also would've killed Amanda for shooting my spouse directly in front of me, but I wouldn't use a power tool to murder an ancient cancer patient in a hospital bed.

66 The Shotgun Chair

SAW V (2008)

HOW IT WORKS: A chair rigged so if Hoffman moved around too much a shotgun in front of him would go off.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. This one isn’t really a trap, you just have to stay still.

65 The Suspended Cage

SAW 3D (2010)

HOW IT WORKS: Trapped in a cage hanging above spikes on the ground, the victim need only pull a lever above the trap and jump to safety once the bottom of the cage falls away.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. You’ve just got to rock it side to side, that’s nothing.

64 The Hangman’s Noose

SAW 3D (2010)

HOW IT WORKS: Two people have 60 seconds to get from either side of the room to each other. The first is Bobby who has the key, the second is a man who’s been blindfolded and has a noose wrapped around his neck with a winch on the other end that will hang him when time’s up if it hasn’t been unlocked by then.

Bobby has to try to talk the blindfolded guy across the room while trying to make his way to him through this room with half the floor missing and other obstacles in the way.

COULD I BEAT IT?: No. Without my glasses I’m the most uncoordinated person alive, so if I was blindfolded it’d be over for me.

63 The Acid Room

SAW VI (2009)

HOW IT WORKS: When the man who, in a round-about way, is responsible for their husband/father’s death is presented to a mother and son, they simply have to choose whether or not to flip a switch and kill him.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. I’d flip the die switch and kill the guy who killed my parent. There’s no real losing this one, there don’t seem to be consequences for them either way beyond having to watch a man die, but it still feels like a win to me.

62 The Ceiling Jars

SAW V (2008)

HOW IT WORKS: Sixteen glass jars hang from the ceiling. All of them have keys in them, but only three work to unlock the three chambers on the side of the room that will shield the “players” from the bombs in the corners of the room. The jars are also filled with glass shards so you can’t simply look into them and figure out which ones hold the proper keys.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. I'm shockingly not such an asshole that I wouldn't think to mention that there was room for more than just me in the chamber, so I've got one up on these dicks. Then again, they all suck, so I get it.

61 Ezekiel Banks’ Trial

SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK OF SAW (2021)

HOW IT WORKS: Ezekiel is handcuffed to a pipe at the wrist with a hacksaw nearby and must escape.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. This is just the Bathroom Trap (which I know I placed high, but with Banks cheating this, it’s boring) but with an arm. I’d be pretty willing to do it with the right motivation. That bobby pin being there would sure be nice though.

 60 Zep Hindle’s Test

SAW (2004)

HOW IT WORKS: To get the antidote to the poison coursing through his veins, Zep was tasked with kidnapping Dr Gordon’s wife and daughter, holding them hostage while the Doctor played his own game, and executing them and Dr Gordon if he failed to kill Adam by six o’clock.

COULD I BEAT IT?: No. That kid was like eight years old. I could do some pretty cold things to keep myself alive, but murdering a child is not among them and it’s honestly pretty messed up of John to ask that of someone.

59 The Quadruple Shotgun Hallway Trap

SAW (2004)

HOW IT WORKS: Simply four shotguns hanging from the ceiling that are activated by tripwires.

COULD I BEAT IT?: Yes. We all know this dude is some kind of Nightmare Rube Goldberg, so I think I’d be pretty careful wandering around his lair.

58 The Spine Cutters

SAW IV (2007)

HOW IT WORKS: A leather harness with an elongated piece of metal attached to it is strapped to Art’s back with two pliers sticking out of the top aimed at his neck ready to cut his spine.

COULD I BEAT IT?: No. Art isn’t in control. He’s got the button to release himself from the trap, but pressing it won’t do anything until the timer is up, so that’s not really on him.