Rhythm Divine: Reports From A Ricky Martin And Enrique Iglesias Concert
Part I.
Battle of the Heartthrobs
In October 2021, I attended a simply wonderful show that was a bit of time capsule for me. But after these last couple of years who doesn't need a return to a less apocalyptic time? It was a good reminder that while humans have to deal with health, finances, family...all these things that feel especially heavy these last few years, we still respond to joy. We've just been missing our obvious sources of it.
Getting ahead of everything else, I thought the show was great despite barely knowing any songs and with about half of them in Spanish (a language I do not speak). Not all musical artists are performers, but these two clearly are. While they both have their performance specialties, you could tell they were eating up the energy just as much as everyone else.
There is more to this than a review of the music—that's been done and only half the story on these two. Both were heartthrobs. Both still are, even though they are both older and married with kids. Both are from basically the exact same era. One straight. One gay. Breakout your tri-fold cardboard because we are going to compare and contrast the results of two decades of post-heyday on these finely-aged hunks.
First I must disclose bias as to not taint the results: I am gay and I legitimately wanted to marry Ricky Martin for a solid decade of my life. However, that feels like some form of social conditioning I'm over now. And I think anyone brave enough with their masculinity could go to this show and just sort of be in awe of the handsomeness and talent of these two men.
But before I lose the straight men out there, let's pit 'em against each other in mortal (yet sexy) combat.
Part II.
Ricky Martin, or She Bangs
Before we dive into 2021 Ricky Martin, travel with me to the past—the golden year of 1996. Previously Ricky was in Menudo, but I never heard of 'em. The important part is he knew how to work a stage by the time his big hit "Living La Vida Loca" hit airwaves—emphasis on airwaves; remember we are traveling back to the past. So, everyone is sitting around their phonograph, cranking out this new Ricky Martin sound and it's just hit after hit. But then came the whispers...
Regardless if Ricky was straight, the world would have questioned his Bradly Cooper-esque polished handsomeness. Gay rumors were a rite of passage in the '90s and Ricky probably could have stayed in the closet, except he had a "you've hit a nerve" tell that made him extra suspicious. The speculation about Ricky's sexuality was so fervent that I thought he came out early into his career; I remember feeling my crush was viable. However, I just googled to find out Ricky Martin came out in…brace yourselves…2010! However, this does track. Ricky is only came out as gay when outlets started compiling “dirt” on him.
Ricky is this perfect encapsulation of a gay era that is now absorbed, morphed, and disbanded. I call it the ambassador era, a time when the most put together of the homosexuals went out into the world to show everyone that we aren't that bad and could even spruce up their 2.5 bath colonial ranch! But Ricky, you see, was one of the very first ambassadors of this time and the early protocol was to defiantly hold off on the total confirmation of gayness. So while the world knew he was gay, they also had the comfort of him saying that he wasn't. Plausible deniabilty. Fun times.
Ricky has taken this all the way to 2021 where there is nothing overtly gay about the show. At all. An uninformed viewer would assume this Casanova was a legendary ladies' man. He looks basically like muscles from far away and his outfits feel more like boy band rejects, featuring straps and cargo pockets and a busy-ness that says "popstar." Like much of Ricky, it's nothing above standard issue. "See," your Dad says, "just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to act all fruity". Thanks, Ricky Martin.
With homosexuality being taboo, Ricky takes it down one notch to the forbidden pleasures of the body: moving, thrusting, and gyrating.
Portending the fact that Enrique Iglesias would do no dancing later, Ricky Martin and his dancers never stop dancing. And it's great—athletic AF, getting a solid 40 minutes of cardio for sure.
It's got a Christina Aguilera's Dirrrty-vibe at times, acknowledging that this show is sexy. These are sexy people moving around erotically...but don't ask any questions about who pairs up with whom.
Speaking of backup dancers the men all look exactly like Ricky and there is not a sleeve among them. I mean it's almost weird. Just copies of Ricky with slightly different haircuts but the same build, the same chiseled features. And hey, I'm not complaining but it's clear what the man is into and that's the Rickster. (The women also look identical for what it's worth. As in like each other, not lady versions of the Rickster.)
A song that highlights Ricky's weird place in space and time is "Shake Your Bon-Bon". This song is dumb. This is not to knock anyone that enjoys it, I just hope you agree it's silly and kinda the worst. But Ricky must obey the Billboard charts so he sings it, but shamefully. His Kick Ball Chains are not as exuberant and hip thrusts feel mandatory. I see him thinking "what are you doing Ricky? You don't have to do this. You can stop. Just rest, sweet prince." But the crowd demands more vaguely heterosexual Ricky Martin, so he complies.
After informing my boyfriend about 100 times that I hope he does "The Christina Aguilera One", Ricky Martin does in fact perform "The Christina Aguilera One" (aka "Nobody Wants to Be Lonely").
While I still had Christmas-morning hopes that Xtina would bust out of nowhere for two minutes of DIVA Raw, alas she did not.
She did however record something for Ricky to duet with, in which she looks like Cher and is rocking some headpiece that's making me feel like she's dabbling in cultures again.
And my god that's a lot of makeup. I do not want to knock aesthetic choices, but I mean, it's a look. But nothing about this feels fresh and 2021.
Soooooo…it’s very Ricky Martin.
Ricky finally cranks out his final hit, I think it's an encore, who knows–Ricky certainly doesn't–he's just working for that Pierre backstage. This last song is "The Cup of Life", a huge hit commissioned by FIFA back in the 90's that has surely made his cup runneth over in royalties, a shivering reminder that he does not need to be doing this... why is he doing this? Is someone trying to shake you down Ricky? You can talk to me... I still love you...
Part III.
Enrique Iglesias, or He Definitely Bangs
Soon it's time for Enrique, who can not dance so they have a genius idea to move him about the stage on a series of treadmills while he poses like a superhero. And it works! He is working the moving walkway, he's gonna make that connection!
The ladies, they love Enrique, it's clear. The energy in the audience has changed. After being worked up by the moves of Ricky, Mr. Iglesias is here to bring ya home.
I assume Enrique fancies himself a crossover artist as his hits are more mainstream and catchy than Ricky's and also have a bit more musical grandiosity to them. While Ricky sticks to his lane of soccer/Xbox/Carnivale themes, Enrique is giving you some moods. He's rocking out, he's crooning; he's Enrique and he knows it.
Enrique is doing it for me and he'd do it for you too. He's mastered the crowd and he's got a sly smile that's melting hearts and he's somehow winking at you from 20 rows away looking in the other direction. This guy is wearing leather pants and a baseball cap, it shouldn't work. But ya know what, it worked for Anna Kournikova and that's good enough for me.
Surprisingly Enrique does not perform "Rhythm Divine" but he does sing a song called "Tonight I'm Fuckin' You" so it seems like he's been through a tonal shift in his material. The fuckboi stuff works a lot better with his leather pants. And the song is, um…well…it’s awesome. It's from 2010, which seems a bit late as it’s essentially the male counterpart to the record-spinning Britney dance songs of the 2000s. Where was I in 2010 that I missed this song? Was I not having fun?
To make sure I wasn't glorifying some monster in this piece, some light Enrique googling reveals his only real scandal (thus far) has been getting to close with a dancer at one of his shows. This totally checks out and it doesn't feel like going out on a limb to assume Anna is fine with it. He is definitely selling sex at his shows, but in an “updated romance novel cover” kind of way. He may be the Fabio of our time. OMG, what happened to Fabio? I need a movie like STAT. Get Glen Powell's people on the phone.
I don't know a lot of Enrique Iglesias songs, and he was clearly over the old stuff, so it's hard to say much more. Did I mention the leather pants? It did sell me on him though and I'm sure the algorithm will pick that up soon enough.
Part IV.
Conclusion, or Who Most Bangs?
To bring it all back to the main question of was my crush warranted all those years back? I mean sure, I guess, Ricky is technically hot, but now that the world has matured a bit something about the performative sheen of Ricky Martin seems to pale in comparison to the rawness of Enrique Iglesias. I would definitely rather quarantine with Enrique. And, in the end, isn’t that all that matters anymore?
Epilogue:
Concert Set List
Ricky Martin
( 1 : Livin' la Vida Loca ) ( 2 : La Bomba ) ( 3 : Qué rico fuera ) ( 4 : Vuelve ) ( 5 : Lola, Lola ) ( 6 : She Bangs ) ( 7 : Shake Your Bon-Bon ) ( 8 : Nobody Wants to Be Lonely ) ( 9 : Pégate ) ( 10 : La mordidita ) ( 11 : María ) ( 12 : Vente pa' ca ) ENCORE ( A: Cup of Life )
Enrique Inglasis
( 1 : I'm a Freak ) ( 2 : Chasing the Sun ) ( 3: I Like How It Feels ) ( 4: Duele el corazón ) ( 5: Bailamos ) ( 6: Cuando me enamoro ) ( 7: Loco / Me pasé ) ( 8: Súbeme la radio ) (9: Be With You ) ( 10: Escape ) ( 11: Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You ) ENCORE ( A: Hero ) ( B: El perdón ) ( C: Bailando ) ( D: I Like It )
