LISTMAS—10 Snowbound Movies
No Business Like Snow Business
You plunk down in your seat, air thick with the saccharine aroma of spilled soda and slightly sulfurous smell of burnt popcorn, almost completely covering the subtle hint of mildew irrevocably imbued in that century-old carpeting. The lights dim and the theater goes dark. Suddenly, a blinding flash of luminous white ignites the screen. You can almost see your breath as a soft snowy serenity is projected as far as the eye can see (as long as you don’t turn too much in either direction). Just when you’re starting to absorb all the winter movie majesty, you hear it; what starts as distant bells becomes a pounding juggernaut of parumpapumpum. Shredding through the icy expanse is a massive, reindeer-powered, eggnog-spewing, yuletide war machine with Mariah Carey strapped to the front, wrapped in red garland, screaming “All I Want For Christmas Is You” while periodically blasting plumes of fire from her flamethrower guitar.
Maybe I’m being a bit of a basic Grinch about it, but that’s how it feels when I’m trying to watch movies with a snowy setting that don’t have a heavy holiday connotation. Not everyone has fond feelings of the winter high holidays, and even those who do can get burned out by the motif. When I used to work retail, this time of year typically had me so mired in merry malarky I hacked up tinsel. Tinselitis you could call it… wait a minute, definitely don’t call it that. Whatever you want to call it and however you celebrate it’s very easy to get Festivus fatigue and find yourself hankering for some holiday hoopla-free films that still stay seasonally appropriate. Taking Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa off the docket helps one recognize the real reason for the season: snow! Whether it’s an arena sport or the mountain between life and death, snow in movies has a rich and diverse history separate from any solstice celebration. Yes, my friends, used properly these trifling frozen flurries don’t just act as simple window dressing, but instead become an integral aspect of the film.
In the spirit of transparency, I shall now inform you of the parameters I gave myself in assembling this list so we’re all on the same page. The below films shall not have a holiday aesthetic. That means no Christmas trees, wreaths, reindeer, or any such ornamentation. Next, we’re avoiding the whole Santa/spirit of the giving thing. You won’t find presents wrapped with care or sugar plums whipping Nae Nae. Ralphie, get your gun and march George Bailey out of here with those other Christmas movie icons. That means you, John McClane. Go get Kevin McCallister and Gizmo and GTFO. We’re keeping it simple and snow-focused, with every feature filed here making these paltry particles of permafrost a pivotal part of the parable. All that to say you won’t see névé numbers such as THE APARTMENT (1960), TRADING PLACES (1983), THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT (1996) or REINDEER GAMES (2000) on this particular list. Even though they’re all rad, they don’t fit these specific criteria.
So merry listmas to all who celebrate and hope y’all enjoy reading this!
OUT COLD (2001)
The powder painted parish of Bull Mountain serves as paradise to this motley flock of slacker snowboarders that include Jason London and Zach Galifianakis (in his theatrical debut) among their ranks. Advertised as “Animal House on ice” this spiritual sequel to mountaintop teen sex romp SKI SCHOOL (1990) keeps the suds and the snow based shenanigans flowing throughout the duration. Snow doesn’t just serve as the canvas for winter sports tomfoolery but as the impetus for some small-scale class warfare with Lee Majors. While this one doesn’t really reinvent the snowman too much beyond a pair of mountain themed trappings for Luke’s genitals (the hot tub and polar bear) OUT COLD keeps the stakes playfully low. Plus Rick Rambis is the height of cool in 2001 with his x-treme sports prowess and radio pop punk soundtrack.
30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007)
Vivid splashes of crimson on the blue-streaked snow of Barrow, Alaska really captures the appalling yet alluring art style of the comic book that informed this adaptation. Month-long midnight in the bitter cold and mountainous snow presents enough peril without throwing vampires in the mix, but this fresh and feral take on bloodsuckers makes them more like a shiver of sharks than sparkly sad boys. Aside from isolating and incapacitating the townsfolk, the snow in this movie provides some clever choices for murder and mayhem via heavy machinery for snow removal.
CLIFFHANGER (1993)
One of the last of a dying breed. The massive budget, bicep, and explosion days of the blockbuster 80s action hero were waning and going the way of the great white buffalo [repeats “great white buffalo” in a whisper] but this one does right by that tried and true formula. CLIFFHANGER also still reps the most expensive aerial stunt ever recorded to film, with Stallone actually footing the bill to make it happen. The snow-capped mountains of the Colorado Rockies serves as cover for Search-and-Rescue climber Gabe Walker as he uses his expert mountaineering knowhow to combat the nefarious John Lithgow’s den of thieves.
ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (2005)
Since the 1976 original film is one of my all-time favorites, the very announcement of this remake was tantamount to sacrilege. Luckily for me, director Jean-François Richet took a fresh and frosty perspective on this snowbound siege influenced by cinéma vérité. Changing the setting from L.A. to Detroit during a blizzard on New Year’s Eve (which gave me pause about including it on this list, but fuck it) adds to the isolation of the piece plus the shoot out in the woods with snowfall silencing the adversaries steps made for some spectacular tension. If all that awesomeness wasn’t enough the movie also featured one of my favorite gimmicks in film: a closing credit rap that describes major plot points from the picture—and this time it’s done by KRS-One!
COOL RUNNINGS (1993)
And now we open our Beck books to Psalm 93 - Lament Of A Loser. [clears throat] In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey [skips ahead] I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? Instead of the drama of Beck’s exclamations in Spanish and English, COOL RUNNINGS has a lovely lesson about trying hard and losing with honor in probably the most inspirational sports movie that’s not named ROCKY. If you’re not ugly crying by the end you might be one of those feral shark vampires from 30 DAYS OF NIGHT. While half of this film takes place in tropical Jamaica, the snow-swept slopes of Calgary’s ‘88 Winter Olympics are looming in the background as our bottom dog bobsled team steel themselves against the elements and competition. Snow represents luminescent excellence in the face of adversity and dignity in the face of bitter defeat.
THE HATEFUL EIGHT (2015)
A blizzard never looked more beautiful than Robert Richardson’s firn-covered mountains captured in crisp Ultra Panavision 70. Snow doesn’t just look good in Quentin Tarantino’s western tempest whodunnit, it drives the characters and the plot along in all its yowling, bitter glory. I almost didn’t include this because of the “Silent Night” piano scene and in-story proximity to Christmas, but this chilly thriller is so damn artfully executed I had to add it to the list. While there are eight human impediments between John Ruth and the delivery of his bounty in Tarantino’s vivaciously vengeful 8th film, the glacial gale gusting outside of Minnie’s Haberdashery is certainly the nasty ninth.
GROUNDHOG DAY (1993)
This is the endless winter of Bill Murray’s discontent. Weather in the macro and snow in particular is absolutely essential in telling weatherman Phil Connors’ journey from schmuck to saint. What starts as his failure to predict evolves into his inability to cope as the massive blizzard that hits the humble hamlet of Punxsutawney signals his entrapment in a time loop until he can dig himself out from under his ego. The storm that starts as an obstacle with stacks of snow impeding his escape and ends representing Phil’s salvation might be some pretty straightforward symbolism, but is no less poignant when you take the odyssey with him.
THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL (2014)
I expect some of you will know it. The sumptuous snow-swept set pieces of Wes Anderson’s fantasy hotel in the fictional Republic of Zubrowka are simply fantastic. I know I mentioned earlier that snow shouldn’t be just window dressing, but I’ll be goddamned if these frosty drapes don’t make this window just pop! An auteur with distinct color choices made all the more vibrant set against the negative space of a snowy white alpine landscape. Aside from framing the piece perfectly, the snow adds a lot to the mountain, prison, and chase sequence at climax. Sweeter than the confections from Mendl’s.
THE SHINING (1980)
Mr. Zero Moustafa would never let his shop get as sloppy as winter at The Overlook Hotel. Despite not seeing a single flake until 45 minutes into the picture, make no mistake that snow serves as the final boss for THE SHINING (1980). Famously derided by Stephen King for not staying true to his novel’s ending and characterization of Jack Torrance, Kubrick is giving every opportunity for a moviegoing audience to turn tail and run from the first foreboding synthesizer beats of the opening credits to the audio sting as the first skift begins to shower down. While King demands his haunted hotel will meet its end in fire, Kubrick avers that ice will suffice as the trapped Torrances batten down the hatches to the blizzard outside only to lock themselves up with the storm raging within.
THE THING (1982)
I'm not going to do what you think I'm going to do, which is FLIP OUT and prattle on in another thousand-word puff piece about John Carpenter’s THE THING. I love it dearly for a myriad of reasons and you should, too. Here we’re talking about snow and, set in a remote research facility in Antarctica, we get snow in spades. As a polar winter descends on the protagonists, a behemothic blizzard traps the crew of the U.S. Outpost 31 with something that is not what it seems. From the mega bleak opening of a Norwegian dog attempting to outrun a helicopter to survivors sitting in the burning rubble soon to be entombed in snow at the conclusion, this is essential winter viewing that I’m sure you will dig.
