Arcade Armageddon
My Mixtape’s A Masterpiece is a weekly feature in which a guest compiles a playlist around some theme. This week, Vito Nusret assembles 12 songs to accompany an arcade marathon. Read Vito’s thoughts on each song and listen along to the Spotify playlist on top and/or the YouTube playlist at the bottom of the post.
“You must be wondering why I called you here.” Twelve-year-old Nick stands with feet shoulder width apart, arms crossed. Classic defensive power stance.
“Not really. Dad drove us here together.” Lisa, Nick’s older sister, mirrors his posture, albeit in a much more lackadaisical fashion. “Plus, you’re always nagging to go to this Chuck E. Cheese wannabe. What’s different about today, Nicolas?”
Nick bristles at the utterance of his birth name. “Call me Nimbus.”
“I’d rather die,” Lisa says with a chuckle.
Nick winces again. “Very well. I challenge you to Arcade Armageddon—a gaming decathlon! The winner gets crowned the supercalifragilisticexpialidopest, the loser branded an egg-sucking dog, thus summarily banished from Merlin’s Magical ‘Musements (and the adjacent Sir Caradoc’s Cosmic Bowling)…forever!”
“You must be out of your tiny mind,” Lisa says with a self-assuredness only found in eldest siblings. “I could school you in any game here. I’ve been popping tokens in these machines since you were in diapers, which was last week wasn’t it?”
Nick sneers back at his sister, anticipating her hubris. “Hilarious. Does that mean you accept?”
“Hey, if you’re looking to find a new hobby I’ll be happy to let you go out on your shield,” Lisa remarks derisively. “How do you want to spend your last day here?”
“Your overconfidence is your weakness,” Nick replies with all the gravitas his tween body can muster. Before Lisa can call him out for using Luke Skywalker’s line against her, Nick launches into the criteria for the contest. “Here are the rules of engagement: Dad will man the jukebox over in the Enchanted Pizza Sanctum,” Nick gestures over to their father seated at a table next to the jukebox in the restaurant area of the fabled family fun center. He waves in acknowledgement without looking away from his book—Waxing On: The Karate Kid And Me by Ralph Macchio. “I’ve queued up dozens of songs that Dad will play at random and each has a corresponding game. Do you find these terms agreeable?”
Lisa shrugs nonchalantly. “Whatever. Did you join little league or something? Nevermind, I don’t care. Let’s do this! What’s first?” Nick steeples his fingers in diabolical delight and gives Dad the signatoral nod. With Dad thoroughly engrossed in his reading, Nick attempts to nod a few more times before resorting to screeching at his paterfamilias in his most petulant timbre, finally securing his attention.
1. “The Touch” by Stan Bush
“Let’s start with a classic, shall we?” Nick remarks as the pair approach the wall of Skee-Ball machines.
“Bad luck, baby bro. I’m a Skee-Ball master.” Lisa cracks her knuckles and rolls the compressed wooden orb up the ramp with skill and precision, sinking the 100-point hole on the left just as the opening organ chords of Stan Bush’s montage magnum opus ring through the arcade. Lisa shoots her sibling a sanguine smile after sinking the second 100-point hole with ease, mouthing “you got the power” in sync with the triumphant power ballad. Nick swallows hard. The games have begun.
2. “Danger Zone” by The Protomen
“Had enough already, cloudy with a chance of miss-balls?” Lisa cackles maniacally.
“Hardly,” Nick chirps back defiantly. “We’re just getting started and I feel the need, the need for speed.”
Hearing “Danger Zone” and her brother’s reference, Lisa picks up what he’s putting down. “Oooh, so what are we flying? Are we buzzing the tower, Goose?”
Nick lovingly pats the wooden shell of a nearby sitdown arcade shooter. “An oldie but a vector graphic goodie, Atari Star Wars!” The familiar John Williams score and actors recreated in all their 8-bit glory just barely cuts through the keyboard-driven hard rock.
Lisa leans into the cockpit and fiddles with the buttons and joystick. “I recall the controls being a bit stiff and the collision detection being a bit iffy.”
“Not if you use The Force, lizard lips.” Nick grins goonily at his big sister and ducks, only narrowly avoiding her open-handed reprisal.
3. “Eye Of The Tiger” by New Found Glory
“Hey!” Nick eyes the speakers of Merlin’s Magical ‘Musements with suspicion, “This isn’t Survivor!”
“Whatever!” Lisa responds in a huff after seeing her brother tie up the score via the superannuated space shooter. “I get the idea — ‘Eye Of The Tiger’ means boxing, so are we talking Punch-Out!!, Ring King, or what?”
“Right this way, stallion.” Nick leads the way to an imposing apparatus next to the token change machines: the Kalkomat Boxing Machine.
Lisa can’t help but laugh. “Oh, child, you can’t be serious. I’ve got a foot and about fifty pounds on you.”
“That’s not something I would brag about.” Nick attempts to poke Lisa’s tummy only to get his hand slapped away prior to making contact. “Haven’t you seen ROCKY IV? It’s not the the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the—”
Before Nick can complete his idiom Lisa swings hard on the punching bag, connecting with a force that sends the machine into bells and whistles, indicating a new top score. Lisa checks her nails and blows on her knuckles. “Beat that, shrimp.”
Nick shakes out his limbs to loosen up. He balls his fist, closes his eyes, and swings wildly on the punching bag, missing it entirely and nearly connecting with his sister. Lisa is able to leap backwards to avoid the blow, but knocks into another girl attempting to change out bills for MMM-exclusive legal tender, causing her to spill soda on her squishy yellow slides!
“OMFG, you made me get grape Fanta on my Rosyclo Pillow Cloud Slippers you spazz!” Nick’s eyes go wide and he scurries away.
“Sorry!” Lisa says with slight contrition, sprinting after her brother as the dampened girl yells for them to stop.
4. “You’re The Best” by Joe “Bean” Esposito
Lisa catches up to Nick, panting by a row of fighting games as the latest track hits its chorus. “I can’t believe you did that and then just bailed, you creep!”
Nick puts his hand up, still trying to catch his breath. “Accident (gasp). Collateral damage (wheeze). Couldn’t be helped (checks pulse). Now, choose your champion.” Nick leans up against Street Fighter II: The World Warrior, continuing to huff and puff.
Lisa puts a hand on her hip “Just Championship Edition? You sure you don’t want to spring for a super, hyper, ultra, or turbo?”
“Hey, look at the gaggle of gamers clustering on those!” Nick motions at the mounting crowds gathered at those editions. “Let’s just keep it simple, sweep the leg, and start firing on some tiger uppercuts while the song is still going!” Nick selects Sagat. Lisa picks Chun-li and beats her brother handily. “Best two out of three? I was still catching my breath!” Another couple spinning bird kicks and it’s victory for Lisa again. “My joystick must be covered in pizza grease!”
“I'm the strongest woman in the world!” Lisa throws up a peace sign and exclaims yatta in sync with the character in the game.'
5. “Hey Man Nice Shot” by Filter
The foreboding feedback and driving bass line of the track makes for a menacing mood as the siblings approach the Pop-A-Shot Dual Shot nets. Nick had hoped chance wouldn’t land on this one. A smirk creeps across Lisa’s face. Last month her team won an intramural basketball tournament. She grabs a ball, clicks her tongue, does a casual crossover, shoots, and sinks her throw with ease. “Maybe you can pick up a paper route since you’ll have so much free time. That might help with your hand-eye coordination.” After missing all of his shots, Nick clumsily attempts to dribble only to connect with his shoe, causing a wayward bounce with the ball rolling under some nearby pinball machines. He tracks it down and turns just in time to see his sister sink three in a row with ease. That makes it 4 to 1 games in her favor. “I told ya, kid. You come at the king you best not–” before Lisa can finish the track changes and Nick drops the ball where he stood and excitedly runs off causing her to miss her last shot.
6. “Ninja Rap” by Vanilla Ice
Lisa saunters up to the venerable Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game from 1989 that Nick is doing the running man beside with gusto. She smiles big as the screen shows a manhole cover burst off of the street and four heroes in the half shell flip from the sewer. “Okay, points for spot-on musical accompaniment here.”
“Have you ever seen a turtle get down? Slammin’ and jammin’ to the new swing sound.” Nick attempts to rap along with Vanilla Ice but quickly gives up when he can’t match the flow. “Ah, you get the idea. Are you still a Leonardo gal?”
“You know it. Still rocking Michelangelo, or…?” A younger kid sheepishly creeps up to the game, distracting Lisa.
“Can I be Michelangelo?” The little kid asks. The siblings look at each other in delight. A new foe appears.
“Sure,” Nick says, “I’ll be Raphael.” He turns to his sister. “Usual rules: points for most kills and longest life. Cowabunga.” All three start laughing and cheering as they brawl their way through side-scrolling beat 'em up action with the occasional shouting of “Go ninja, go ninja, go!”
7. “Breakin’…There’s No Stopping Us” by Ollie & Jerry
Nick is cabbage patching over to the music and rhythm games, all smiles. Lisa is affecting a scowl, but anyone can see a smile peeking through as she tries to trash talk her brother. “Ah, I just didn’t want to murder you in front of a minor. By the way, you dance like an old person. So are we thinking Guitar Hero or Donkey Konga, or… ah, dammit.” Nick is pumping tokens into the Dance Dance Revolution machine.
“Damn right!” Nick has got his groove back. “While you were at the Pop-A-Shot I was popping and locking like Orville Redenbacher!” Dance simulators are a blindspot for Lisa’s gaming prowess, and she feels thoroughly outmatched as Nick pop-locks to the synth-scratching hip-hop emanating from an adjacent speaker. After meeting his several “Perfect” scores with mostly “Misses”, Nick coaxes his sister to watch his feet. While her little brother is still dominating the scoreboard it’s clear both kids are having fun and Lisa finds herself singing along. “There's no stopping us, no one does it better!”
8. “The Last Dragon” by Dwight David
“Not so bad, eh, Sporty Spice?” Nick beams. Spent and sweaty, both siblings are strangely satisfied by the step simulator.
“Fair play, twerp, but savor the flavor because I’m gonna get my receipt next time we rhumba. So what’s next?” The pair return to the fighting game section. As the digital clap track and gong effects ring out through the speakers of Merlin’s Magical ‘Musements, Lisa becomes all too aware that this won’t be another leisurely stroll down Taiping Road in Street Fighter II. This battle of the ages is heading to Outworld. “Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3?”
“That’s right! The most miraculous motion capture martial arts slugfest 1995 has to offer!” Nick selects Liu Kang while Lisa chooses to battle it out as Sheeva, and the two siblings commence having their sprites duke it out in a post-apocalyptic subway while the synth-laden R&B beats boom overhead.
“I mean, it’s fine, but how’d you decide on this one over the other two dozen MK games? And where do I know this song from?”
Nick handily defeats his sister and whispers “the glow” as he punches in the combo that transmogrifies Liu Kang into an iridescent green dragon that chomps the four-armed lady Shokan in half just as the funky tune reaches its bombastic crescendo. Animality.
9. “Search & Destroy” by Iggy Pop & The Stooges
We’re tied 4 to 4 in the penultimate game of the arcade decathlon as buzzsaw guitars shred through the family fun center’s P.A., and our rivaling relatives treat themselves to a classic suit up montage, strapping on sensors to ready themselves for laser tag. When the lights on their vests illuminate, Nick cocks his rifle and says “Groovy” with a wry smile. Lisa responds by doing the one-handed shotgun pump à la Sarah Connor in T2 as the siblings are ushered into opposing tunnels with their respective teams. In the black lit battle zone it becomes abundantly clear that at least two caustic contenders are taking the faux firefight a bit further than the rest of the weekend warriors as Lisa and Nick pick off members of the opposing team with extreme prejudice, all set to the signature snarl of Iggy Pop.
10. “Cry Little Sister” by Gerard McMann
After clearing the field of all other perceived participants, the devastating duo square off niño a niña on opposite ends of the neon-bathed arena.
“You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?” Lisa says with a snicker, playing up her brother’s perception of her as the unbeatable boss.
“Yeah, for a second-” Before Nick can finish quoting Quentin he sees his sister’s shoulder sensor light up like a Christmas tree, indicating a hit. But how? They were well out of range of each other, which is why he leapt at the chance to engage in a quote battle. Then, out of the shadows, struts the girl with the soiled slides from over by the Kalkomat Boxing Machine. With each step through the smoke the siblings hear the spine-chilling squeak of skin on the rubber-like material of her slides. Lisa raises to shoot her laser but it malfunctions and fails to fire, giving the sinister slider ample time to take aim and hit her other shoulder sensor.
“You’ve got this coming!” The nefarious girl with slightly saturated slippers demands satisfaction. “I had to walk around all day with wet shoes, which is the worst!”
Nick stands aghast, watching his sister get Swiss cheesed as the slider picks off her sensors one by one, saving the heart for last. This was supposed to be his time, his chance, his mixtape for recompense!
11. “1-800-Suicide” by Gravediggaz
Somewhere in the darkness a center sensor ignites and sirens go off, indicating a killshot. The two girls turn as in time with the waking bass line to see Nick with his rifle aimed at his own vest and pulling the trigger. The girl with the slides examines the bewildered looking boy quizzically for a split second, granting Lisa enough time to slap her fake firearm to life and take out her assailant. Almost immediately the lights go up and the P.A. announces: “We have a winner!”
12. “Meet Me Half Way” by Kenny Loggins
All three kids are ushered out of the laser tag arena. Nick and Lisa are met with their father, telling them it’s time to leave. Apologetic to the girl with the soiled slides, our two siblings empty their pockets of any remaining MMM tokens in atonement, rendering the beef officially squashed. Nick notices the triumphant power ballad playing as they stroll towards the exit. “Hey, I dig this track but I don’t remember putting this on the playlist.”
Lisa gives her brother a wink. “I told Dad to play this after laser tag since I knew we wouldn’t have time for a tenth event. What was it going to be, by the way?”
“Pizza eating contest set to ‘Pizza Man’ by Old Skull.” Nick says with a hangdog smile and a bit of shrug. “You probably would have destroyed me at that.”
“Maybe.” Lisa pauses and gives her brother a playful jab to the shoulder. “Too bad we can’t know for sure, so we’ll call today a tie.”
“Really? Then maybe we can try Arcade Armageddon again some time?” Nick looks at his big sister expectantly.
“You’re on, Nimbus.”
