So You’ve Decided To Summon Cthulhu
My Mixtape’s A Masterpiece is a weekly feature in which a guest compiles a playlist around some theme. This week, Vito Nusret assembles 12 songs for conjuring the greatest monster in fiction. Read Vito’s thoughts on each song and listen along to the Spotify playlist on top and/or the YouTube playlist at the bottom of the post.
So you’ve decided to summon Cthulhu…
Good for you! In this secular generation, people are too busy with their avocado toast and their instagram accounts to summon the Dreaded Ancient One nowadays. We here at SUMMONING ELDER GODS FOR DUMMIES™ implore you to disregard the cynics who claim that rousing the Great Old One from his slumber beneath the Sea in the sunken city of R'lyeh is impossible, or even immoral. We were all put here for a reason, even the Old Gods! Those reasons are unfathomable to those of us caught in the jaws of time, so don’t think too hard about it! With the right soundtrack and a little sacrifice, you can change the world. So put on your slickest conjuring slacks and enjoy our simple twelve track mixtape for summoning the Sticky Spawn Of The Stars! Just like you or I, our primal aquatic god-king loves rocking tunes. Rituals don’t all have to be solemn. Think of this one as a cosmic alarm clock, gently awakening the Monarch Of All Morbid Monstrosities so that he may engulf the Earth in a burning holocaust of ecstasy and freedom! Neat, right?
1. “The Call Of Ktulu” by Metallica
We all know Cthulhu is an important guy. He’s like a 150 meter tall Elton John trapped in an unfathomably long sleep. You can’t just ring this massive Sir Elton-like-entity unprompted and say “wassup” like a really cool guy in 1999. Cthulhu was sleeping during that commercial and it was beneath his notice. You don’t want to make him feel out of touch! He’s been death-sleeping for eons so you can imagine how jarring that loud, tinny, rotary phone ringing would be while you’re trying to catch a few zillion Zzz’s. Who wants to wake to the sound of their phone ringing? Think of this track as the text before the call saying “Hey bro, is now a good time to call?” Start that big, beautiful, champagne crisp compendium of convoking off with an instrumental, a sorbet for the ears, before all the inevitable screaming and begging starts.
2. “Antarcticans Thawed” by Sleep
Even Cthulhu cares about global warming. If the planet is going to burn, it should be with the celestial fire of madness. If you’re going to be immolated by an Ancient God, you don’t want to deserve it, do you? A quick death is the best you can hope for, and if Cthulu finds out you fucked with polar bears, NONE OF US WILL GET ONE. Ice caps are melting so you better start thinking globally and acting locally, you dig? Good, because digging will be essential for what is to come. Now the little matter of figuring out what direction R'lyeh is in in order to direct your message to the Mighty Slumbering One. Well, that’s easy, it’s Googleable: 47°9′S 126°43′W (just a hop, skip, and a swim from the South Pole). There you go. Now use the rest of the fourteen minute track time to sort your recyclables.
3. “Burnin’ For You” by Blue Öyster Cult
This track serves a thrice-fold-purpose in the ritual. Firstly, it affirms your commitment to burn for the Great Old One. Cthutlu doesn't rise from his ancient slumber to usher in a new age of suffering for just anyone. Remember what we said about a global inferno? We’re talking Buster Poindexter in the hot seat on an episode of Hot Ones level hot. Secondly, it's a great song to dance to. Get up and samba around your sacred site because it’s gonna be a long ceremony and you’re gonna want to stay limber. Thirdly, while his mind is unknowable, one thing we do know is that He Who Lies Dreaming digs on BÖC so it would be a good talking point if you are familiar with at least some of their discography.
4. “Behind The Wall Of Sleep” by Black Sabbath
Now we're really getting into the nitty-gritty of the liturgy and that sky should be looking like sackcloth right about now. To a being that we cannot even behold without going mad, this track is like a mother gently rubbing its foot and whispering, “Come on Him Who Is To Come, honey, it’s time to wake up for school.” Not the full wake up call but a soft reminder to quit hitting the celestial snooze button and begin bursting through that perhaps figurative, but most likely literally wall of sleep. Wakey wakey, earth-a-quakey. Did we mention there would be earthquakes? A whole lotta shakin’ will be going on!
5. “How The Gods Kill” by Danzig
Elder Gods have planetary annihilation for breakfast so leave it to Glenn to whet The Great Dreamer’s appetite for destruction by asking how it’s gonna go down when the Dread High Priest eventually awakes. As the obvious natural disasters give way to mass transmogrifications, you can look back fondly on how blissful ignorance was when you couldn’t imagine Great Grandpa Tentacle Face literally reshaping the population however he sees fit. Oh, and next time you pass someone sleeping, whisper gently in their ear “show me how the gods kill” and watch a smile involuntarily appear across the face of the dreamer.
6. “Horror Of Yig” by Gwar
The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu donned by Oderus Urungus (RIP) of Gwar is probably the most reasonable facsimile of the pre-roused-arousal The Sleeper of R'lyeh is experiencing at this point in the death-slumber sequence. Otherworldly morning wood. We’re talking mahogany, Padre.
7. “Anything Jesus Does, I Can Do Better” by The Locust
We’re not trying to get into a theological pissing contest at this point in the ritual. We don’t need to. No one can rival The Whisperer In The Darkness in volume or viscosity! Studies show that 8 out of 11 dentists recommend Cthulhu over the leading brand deity. The skeptics in your facebook feed will be posting memes that say “at least Jesus wasn’t killed by a boat.” Snopes that, baby! The Lord of the Watery Abyss wasn’t killed by a boat, that was The Kraken, and not knowing the difference is a form of racism.
8. “Structure Fall” by Babyland
Cthulhu hits the snooze, rolls over, and resumes sawing cosmic-death-slumber-logs. This track is that second alarm. The one that seems just a bit more shrill and urgent than the first. More shrill and urgent than The Locust? That's not true! That's impossible! That’s Babyland.
9. “Shield For Your Eyes, A Beast In The Well On Your Hand” by Melt-Banana
Wake up and smell the cacophony. ‘Nuff said.
10. “Man Should Surrender” by Pailhead
Consider this track your emergency brake. This is the furthest point in the ritual where you can stop now, wash your hands of the whole waking up Cthulhu thing, and walk away scot-free. At this point you may have already violated every natural and man-made law, but at least it’ll be human wrath you’re facing. You can even say we made you do it, which ought to get you out of any mortal form of punishment. But if you want to keep chanting, dancing, and drawing things in salt and blood and stuff, well don’t let us stop you. Just remember we gave you this one last chance.
11. “Blasphemy Squad” by Rudimentary Peni
This is it. Don’t get scared now, Kevin McCallister. You’re home alone and you embarked on this liturgy of lunacy all by yourself. He Who Will Rise Again is not Harry here to burgle your domicile with his partner in crime Marv. He is your mother traversing time, space, polka bands, and played by Catherine O’Hara. No need for another dozen minute metal epic. Let’s keep it pithy with this punchy, punk rock psalm as we round the bend and push the pedal to the metal towards waking up the High Priest Of The Great Old Ones.
12. “Leviathan” by Sweet Cobra
You’ve finally come to your Lloyd Dobbler from SAY ANYTHING moment so take your boombox, aim it at R'lyeh, and summon with all of your heart. By now, if you’ve done the ritual correctly, Cthulhu’s sequoia-sized eyelashes should be all aflutter as he gently rouses from his cosmically ordained death-slumber feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to face the day and set the Earth ablaze like he and his cohorts did to the dinosaurs. “It’s too late to run, motherfucker!” This song is just a burly beast of a tune to provide the perfect musical accompaniment to the end of times. We sincerely thank you for reading and hope you enjoyed existence as we knew it because that’s all over now!
