DIE HARD (1988)
or, 7 Ways To Improve Your Corporate Holiday Party—According To DIE HARD (1988)
Synopsis: When NYPD Officer John McClane (Bruce Willis) begrudgingly visits his wife at her company’s west coast Christmas Party, he quickly discovers he can do police work in LA, too, by saving the lives of 30+ hostages and destroying a skyscraper with the help of a beat cop (Reginald Veljohnson).
Rather than try to answer the age-old question, “Is DIE HARD (1988) a Christmas movie?” yet again, I ask you to picture this:
You accepted this super well-paying position at the Nakatomi Corporation in July. Your job here is unclear, but you appear to be crushing it. Your pregnant secretary is a saint, so much so that she’s delaying her maternity leave to help you out with…maybe coordinating real estate closings?…which are inexplicably kick-ass for this time of year.
Your husband, John (Bruce Willis) said he would follow you to California soon, but here we find ourselves at Christmastime, and he has yet to put in his notice. Your nanny is a saint as well, and she’s staying late with your children because tonight is this dumbass corporate Christmas Party, and you have to make an appearance. Your husband, John, said he’d be there for it. The president of this Japanese multinational corporation with no real trade, Mr. Takagi (James Shigeta), even sent a limousine to pick him up from the airport, where John chose to fly in on the latest possible flight.
No one is really working all day, least of all your neighbor with the corner office and his private bathroom.
Ellis (Hart Bochner) has it on his Christmas bucketlist to snort blow off everyone’s desk in the skyscraper before the night ends, and you only kind of hope he overdoses. You can’t tell if he wants to be you or be inside you, but if John showed up it’d neutralize this dirtbag regardless.
The party has begun even though you and your secretary are in a frenzy of photocopies. You take a moment to call home. The nanny says there’s been no word from John, and even though she’s a nice lady who must hate hate hate this for you, you feel like you have to cover up your rage and disappointment so you mumble something like how he must not have had the chance to call before he boarded his flight, even though this is a flat lie.
He does hate flying, you say, even though you know Paulina (Betty Carvalho) sees right through your bullshit.
In comes Ellis again, and you have to do the Heisman on him again. This douche is around you like the plague. You dip into the main party area with your manilla folder to try to shake him, and there’s your John. You couldn’t be happier to see him, but you can’t show him that.
You’re too resentful—it’s too obvious that the man you thought was a feminist actually hoped you would fail at this nondescript position so he wouldn’t have to pull up stakes. It’s a matter of minutes before the two of you are arguing about what a marriage means in Ellis’ private bathroom while John washes the airplane off his armpits.
You know what would be an improvement on this situation? You know what you really, really want for Christmas instead of this bickering corporate nothing-fight?
A terrorist-hostage situation.
Look, whether or not you consider DIE HARD a Christmas movie—it is, by the way—a terrorist takeover to put our own trivia in perspective is what SO MANY OF US need during the Christmas season.
Here’s what else we need during the holiday season that DIE HARD provides:
A depiction of terrorists who are white, like most terrorists are, and how not to perpetuate Islamophobia—PSYCH! Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) and his guild ain’t terrorists! They’re just thieves masquerading as terrorists—get it? Racism goes all the way to the top!
An example of how general contractors actually CAN clean up after themselves—seriously, how is it that Bruce Willis can run through active construction sites barefoot and not pick up a single nail, but I can’t drive 200 feet in Atlanta without needing a patch?
3. An invasive journalist getting socked in the jaw—can you believe he busted up in your house and invaded the privacy of your children? After threatening Paulina with deportation? FOH.
4. An illustration of how to cowboy up and get your mojo back after the Bleak Midwinter of seasonal affective disorder—let’s go, Al Powell (Reginald Veljohnson)!
5. A template for the dude we’re in love with who is full of confidence and machismo to apologize and atone for his actions through a grand gesture.
6. How to really celebrate the holidays: partying in the back of a limousine a la Argyle (De'voreaux White) with a bottle of champagne and sweet-talking on a car phone, oblivious to every care and truly celebrating life.
7. An idea of what to wear instead of an Ugly Sweater:
